Heartbreak Schnitty

How to Heal a Friend in Need

Not to be a Debby Downer, but the modern dating scene can be an absolute fucking circus sometimes. And while I am a relentless romantic, a die-hard believer in grand love stories and magnetic intimacy, lately, I’ve felt a fiery rage simmering beneath my skin. Maybe it’s the lingering effects of COVID (coughs dramatically for sympathy), or maybe it’s the sheer volume of nonsense I’ve encountered recently. My patience for bad behaviour seems to be at an all-time low.

Now, I am not without my own flaws, and I really do have to check myself sometimes cause #daddyissues, but we out here wading through a battlefield of ghosters, breadcrumbers, love bombers, gaslighters, and every other emotional terrorist in between—in the pursuit of something real, or at the very least, a good shag with phenomenal aftercare. And what truly rattles me isn’t just when I’m on the receiving end of this nonsense, but when my most intelligent, stunning, goddess, tier-one friends get caught in the same whirlwind. Like, EXCUSE ME? These women should be worshipped, not discarded by fools who should be so lucky to breathe the same air.

So, when my radiant, hilarious, sexy, way-out-of-his-league friend called me this week with a shattered heart, I felt it in my soul. Another exceptional woman, another unworthy ex. And in that moment, I needed a battle plan. How could I help soothe her wounded heart (and, let’s be honest, channel my own righteous fury into something productive)?

Just as I was questioning if love even existed, fate intervened. In the form of a deep-fried epiphany.

That very afternoon, a little hungover and seeking comfort, I strutted into Bistrotheque for lunch with some friends, fully prepared to self-medicate with their legendary chicken schnitzel. Only to be met with devastating news—it was gone from the menu. Betrayal. But in that moment, clarity struck: This—this crispy, golden, soul-restoring dish—was the answer. This was what I would make for my heartbroken friend the next day. This was the cure.

So, I spent my Sunday wielding a meat mallet with the force of a woman scorned, crafting the crunchiest, juiciest, most restorative schnitty known to womankind. And I swear, with every bite, I could see the heartbreak ease, just a little. I could feel my own heart softening too—because what else can you do but laugh, hold your head high, and keep stepping forward with hope?

I’ve elevated the crunch factor of this schnitzel, blending cornflakes, panko and parmesan in the crumb for an unrivalled salty crisp. I’ve paired it with the tangiest dill pickle mayo and the prettiest citrus and fennel salad to cut through the fat.

May this dish wrap you in warmth, comfort, and the deep knowing that you deserve better. And if you’re feeling the love this Valentine’s Day, make it for someone special—because I will always be a relentless romantic, a die-hard believer in grand love stories and magnetic intimacy, no matter how many little pricks I encounter along the way.

Recipe below x